It doesn't matter
by TwoStepsBehind
Summary: Why in the world would anyone want to talk about that? Why would you want to talk about that? ‘Cause it doesn’t matter now does it, Sirius?”Part six in my series. Liz vents. Please read and review.


**A/N: **Part six in my series.

Liz vents.

**Disclaimer: **I own only the characters you don't recognize.

The characters you recognize are J.K Rowling's.

The song is by Allison Krause.

It Doesn't Matter

Liz sighed and rolled onto her back and drew the covers up to her chin and screwed her eyes shut. She wanted to sleep.

**It doesn't matter what I want**

**  
**She then rolled on to her stomach and pulled the pillow over her head.

"Argh!" With the grunt of frustration, she rolled over, threw off the covers and sat up. The night clock said 12:30. She had been trying to sleep for the past one hour, but she just couldn't.

_It's the room, the bed, the unfamiliar surroundings. Yeah that's what it is. In a couple of nights I'll be fine. _Unfortunately for her it wasn't the case, and she knew it.

_Maybe a cup of coffee will help,_ with that she left the room and made her way down to the kitchen.

**It doesn't matter what I need**

**It doesn't matter if I cry  
**

Her bare feet made no noise against the carpeted floor and thankfully the creaking of the stairs wasn't that loud. She was extra careful not to make any noise and wake anyone up. She didn't want any company, just a hot cup of coffee to help her collect her thoughts. But did she ever get what she wanted? Nope, so why start now. As she entered the kitchen she almost burst into tears. Of all the people she could run into, it HAD to be him! She hadn't even put on a robe, just a pair of black boxers and a white tank top. Self-conscious, she crossed her arms, "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know you were here. Well then I'll leave you be. Goodnight." She'd almost made it out when he called out to her.

**You've been on a road  
Don't know where it goes or where it leads**

"Wait, Laye. I don't mind the company if you don't."

With a sigh, she turned back. With a shrug she made her way to the coffee pot, if she was here she might as well get what she really needed. The coffee smelled strong, just the way she liked it. It tasted just as good as it smelled.

"So, you couldn't sleep either?" he asked, a mug of steaming coffee sat in front of him.

She took a seat opposite him.

"If I could, would I be here?" she almost snapped.

He looked stunned, and she sighed, "I'm sorry, I just…" she trailed off, not knowing how to explain what she felt.

He nodded, knowing exactly what she meant, "Want to talk about it?"

**It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need  
**

"Talk?" she scoffed, "Talk. That's all what people seem to do. Talk. About stuff that doesn't matter, about stuff that bloody doesn't matter. Talk about how they feel, about what they wish they could feel, about what they want, about what they need. But do they ever talk about things that need to be talked about. Like for example when they change secret-keepers?" she harshly whispered, "or before they run off to kill their so-called best friend without a seconds thought or hesitation, not waiting to think what would happen to the people they leave behind!" She laughed bitterly, "No! Why in the world would anyone want to talk about that? Why would you want to talk about that? 'Cause it doesn't matter now does it, Sirius?"

Her tone changed, almost pleading now, her blue eyes shinning, "Why didn't you tell me Sirius? Didn't it seem like an important thing to talk about then? Why didn't you stop to think what could have happened before running off to finish off Peter yourself? Did you stop to think for a minute what would happen to me, to Remus, to Harry for crying out loud!"

She took a deep breath and large sip out of her coffee mug, not willing to look at the man who had so deeply hurt her, because of her she had spent most of her adult life living in regret, in doubt.

**If you've made up your mind to go**

**I won't beg you to stay**

He was silent, misinterpreting his silence, she looked up, angrier than ever, "Now you won't even talk to me. Isn't that what you wanted to do, Sirius? Talk. Well here I am, talking. Thirteen years I lived thinking that the man I loved was the reason my best friend and his best friend were dead, the reason that my god-son was an orphan. I was all alone, Sirius, all because of you. My whole world ripped apart Sirius, all because of you. Thirteen years I spent living thinking how my life would have been had you still been around; thirteen years I spent re-living the two years I spent with you."

**You've been in a cage  
Throw you to the wind you fly away  
**

"You made up your mind, not thinking about how it would affect the rest of us. You made a decision for all of us. You were selfish, reckless as usual, satisfying the need you have to play hero all the time. What did you expect us to do once you were locked away? What was I supposed to do, Sirius? That's when I realized that I never really had you; we were never really a part of anything. Our relationship was just something that was convenient for you, when the time came you moved on to something else not caring what happened to me. You thought me to be some kind of a cage, restricting you all the time, didn't you? Or else you would have come to me and we would have worked together, brought Lily and James justice. But no, I was a cage and you finally decided to fly away to freedom. Some freedom you got. Tell me, did Azkaban seem like a better option? Tell me Sirius, I need to know. After all this time, I want to know."

**It doesn't matter what I want  
It doesn't matter what I need**

He opened his mouth as if what she said finally got to him but he abruptly closed it and shook his head. She sighed, he disappointed her yet again, and then she looked up, her voice thick with tears that she wouldn't allow to fall, not in front of him.

**It doesn't matter if I cry**

"I waited that evening," she whispered, "I waited for you to come. I couldn't believe that you'd sold them out, or that you killed Peter and those innocent muggles. I even went to our spot and waited there for you to come. But you didn't. And I knew I had failed. I had failed to let you relay on me, to trust me. I realized that our relationship was a failure. I was a failure. After having invested so much in to us, it all boiled down to nothing. The past thirteen years were pointless, all the regrets; the what if's, all fucking pointless. Had I realized this before, maybe it would have been easier, better."

**Doesn't matter if I bleed**

Her smile bitter, "On second thought, it wouldn't. 'Cause no matter what you felt, I loved you. I always did. I don't think I did a good job of showing it, or things would have been different."

The tears she was holding back were threatening to spill over; the dam had broken.

**Feel the sting of tears**

"I would have been different."

She hurriedly pushed back the chair, sobs taking over.

"But I failed."

**Falling on this face you've loved for years**

With that she ran out, not looking back.

**A/N: **I don't know about this. Tell me if you like how it went.

Would you rather they had a normal talk? And does it seem to soon?

Let me know what you think.

Cheers.

**  
**


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